I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize