I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
