We named our party play list daddy issues
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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