Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
