I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wow bdsm is so cute
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
