piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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