When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
