On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't notice because vodka
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
