Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
