I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
