Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
