ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
