I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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