we have officially lost it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
