She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
