listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
