You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
