Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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