can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize