you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
