Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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