The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
