so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
