Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
