I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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