That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
