is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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