I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
