i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
