I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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