its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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