i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Are my feet made of real feet?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
