I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
