I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
