I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
