I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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