Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
