You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
MIDGETS
????
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
