The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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