lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Randomize
