Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
