i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize