he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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