"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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