When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
