When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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