Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
MIDGETS
????
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Drunk is not a location!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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