dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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