you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize