Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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