At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You were trust falling into bushes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
