god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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