I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The beer is more important than you right now.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize