nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
