Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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