Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
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