The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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