plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
