just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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