eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
