Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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