Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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