So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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