I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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