I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
