I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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