I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Randomize
