Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
