I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
