Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
