That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
