My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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