worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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