am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
