she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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