A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
